When my mother passed away, I was a wife and mother of teenagers, a sister, a full-time project manager, a community volunteer -- and my mother's older daughter.  While grappling with the deep ache of missing her, I was tasked with dealing with the paperwork and logistics of handling her estate. I had to comb through paper files in her cabinets, files on her computer and on websites, and a very short list of contacts -- friends, doctors, insurance companies and her financial advisor. I was fortunate to have a younger sister I could commiserate with, and my Delta Sigma Theta Sorority sisters to lean on. But I still had to figure out where my mother's records were, the most effective ways to interact with creditors, insurance companies, and investment  companies, etc.  It was somewhat overwhelming.    

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I created letters to send to her creditors and a spreadsheet to keep track of which accounts I’d closed and which insurance companies I was grappling with. I developed templates of letters to fax (remember fax machines?) to companies along with copies of her death certificate to confirm my role as executrix. All while writing an obituary and eulogy, and collaborating with my sister to make funeral arrangements, then sell our mother's home and dispose of her belongings. 

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Years later, the idea to create this resource came to me as I was compiling information my adult children will need in order to handle my affairs when they are in the situation I faced when my mother passed. 

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A Parent's Wish​

   

​As a parent, I have always wanted to make sure my children are taken care of.  I have looked out for their best interest, and I want them to still feel the warmth of my love even when I’m no longer present to guide them. Ideally, they will remember the positive ways I made them feel, the confidence, compassion and resilience I’ve instilled in them –  as well as the skills and values I taught them.

 

Their father and I together raised our two children -- both girls -- until we divorced during our daughters’ last years of high school. All in all, I spent a good portion of my life preparing the girls to manage their own lives, and I am grateful that they still seek my advice and wisdom as they navigate adulthood. 

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Now, divorced and in my late 60s, I am writing this when my children are in their 30’s, in hopes of preparing them to do the things that will eventually need to be done. I wanted to share all of this while I am physically and mentally healthy and can provide tips and information in my characteristically methodical way.

 

My children live hundreds of miles away from me, in different states. So, when we visit each other, we focus on fun and re-connection. We don’t have regular, informal Sunday dinners or other gatherings during which the subject of “here’s what you’ll need to know” comes up.

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Will They Be Ready?

 

When the time comes, even though they may be in the midst of deep grief, my children will need to notify people, make funeral arrangements, close financial accounts, collect insurance, distribute, sell or dispose of my belongings, and find a way to move forward. So, I started creating the kinds of checklists and files that would have been immensely helpful as I managed the estate of my mother.

 

When my mother died in 2009, she had a few files on her computer that listed her insurance policies, doctors and friends’ contact information. I am being much more thorough documenting my own information. Things are more complicated than when my mother was alive. I now pay some of my bills online, some with automatic withdrawals from bank accounts. And I have a LOT more passwords and multi-factor identification guardrails that my daughter will have to navigate when dealing with my accounts.

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I'm not an attorney and this site doesn't offer legal advice, although it may direct you to where you can find such advice. I simply want to make preparing for dealing with an estate as straightforward as possible. I believe you'll find these tips, checklists and references useful. I hope they give you peace of mind.

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With compassion,

​Valerie