Who Will Help You as You Age?

Do you have good friends and loving family? Think about the quality of your relationships with relatives as well as with other people you know well. Do you feel comfortable calling on them for help? If you haven't done so, you should find ways to build positive, trusting relationships with people who live near enough to get to you when you need them. Because chances are that at some point, you WILL need them.

I have a friend I’ll call Brenda. By the time she was in her 60s, Brenda had strong friendships with people she had grown up with in another state, as well as people she had known for more than a decade in the region to which she had moved as an adult. She also had friends from church, friends from her professional circles and friends she had met through other friends. Although she was a widow who lived alone, with grown children who lived hundreds of miles away, Brenda was surrounded by love. 

So, when she needed knee replacement surgery, her friends clamored to help. She was able to schedule friends to provide caregiving in layers – one took her to the surgical center but, due to family obligations of her own, wasn’t able to take her home. So, I offered to arrive while Brenda was in the recovery room, in time to listen to the discharge instructions. Then, I took Brenda home, stopping at a pharmacy on the way to pick up painkillers her doctor had prescribed. At her home, we were met by another friend who had offered to stay with her for a couple of weeks. Friends brought food, laughter and physical support during those first painful post-surgery weeks. Within a month, Brenda was able to get around her apartment, albeit slowly. Soon thereafter, she was driving again and going out with friends.

I marvelled at how easily Brenda seemed to rally caregiving support, and how gratified I felt to be a part of her network. She seemed to naturally cultivate circles of assistance and I understood how worthwhile it is to do so. I started to think more seriously about developing similar support circles of my own, especially since I live alone, hundreds of miles from my own grown children.

Why it Matters

As spry and healthy as you might be today, most people eventually need someone to take care of them, physically and/or emotionally. Even people who are able to afford the cost of their medicines, home modifications, walkers, wheelchairs and other physical supports may still need family caregivers, typically unpaid. Getting a loved one to doctors’ appointments, and running errands often must be done during the workweek, forcing unpaid caregivers to take time off from work.  If they live far away, the cost of travel and time away from their own families must also be considered.

Caregivers might be your grown children, other family members or friends. Ideally, they will be people who WANT to care for you rather than people who begrudgingly feel obligated to do so. And, ideally, there will be enough people in your circle that they can take turns so that none of them feels burdened or resentful about the caregiving. And so that you don’t feel guilty asking for help.

Some people prefer to hire professional assistance, which is expensive. Caregiving may range from meal prep and light housekeeping to help with activities of daily living such as bathing and dressing, to dementia care. The cost may be more than $20,000 per year for adult day health care and upwards of $100,000 per year for a room in a nursing home.  These costs are out of reach for many people – and for their families. (See: Types of Care)

Broadening Your Network

Having a broad network of friends and family to help when needed lightens the load for everyone involved. Try to make it as easy as possible for people to be supportive when you need them. If you already have a number of people that you like and trust, with whom you have gone through many of  life's ups and downs, you are very fortunate. Continue to be a person they can rely on, a confidante they can turn to. As you age, also consider developing friendships with younger adults who may be more physically able than your peers to provide assistance. 

What interests you? Would you enjoy joining a walking or biking club? A foreign language conversation group? Quilting? A group that plays games like pinochle, mahjong or Bid Whist?  You can also make friends at such one-off activities as paint-and-sips. Anything, really, that involves interacting with other people. 

In addition to spending more time with my children via internet sessions and in-person visits, I have become more active with committees of my sorority chapter and local political groups. I’ve joined a weekly Spanish conversation group. And I’ve struck up more conversations with other residents of my condo building. My hope is to develop stronger friendships and develop a network of younger people I mentor. Socializing with friends of any age should be relaxing and fun. Being active with community groups adds purpose to life. I know I am happier and more fulfilled when I feel valued and am making a difference. All of which may keep me healthy and self-sufficient longer, though not forever.

Keep a List

As I strengthen my network, I’ve begun to keep a list of people I can reach out to for various types of physical assistance or emotional support. Using a resource like Time to Remember’s Helpers worksheet makes it easy to enter contact information for people who will listen attentively when you need to talk, people who will give solid, practical advice that you value, people who will make you laugh and forget your ailments, people who will take you to doctors’ appointments, or help you (even briefly or sporadically) with such activities of daily living as eating, dressing and going to the bathroom. Some people may fall into more than one category. Listing them should either reassure you of the strength of your support network, or inspire you to develop a network you can rely on when needed. 

Having this information readily available will make it easier to reach out to people even when you may not be at your best physically or mentally. Sharing the list with someone you trust will make it easier for your helpers to contact each other to provide layers of caregiving when you need it.

A tangible list of people who accept you, love you and want to help you is a powerful reminder that you will be okay, no matter what. So, take a deep breath, exhale, and savor your connections to good people in your life.